Aidan Coleman: “They Say 'A Sportsman Dies Twice' And I Promise You It's True”

On the morning of Jonbon's ninth Grade 1 win in the Clarence House Chase at Ascot last Saturday, the recently-retired Aidan Coleman, who partnered Nicky Henderson's chaser to four of those top-level triumphs, opened up about the mental turmoil that comes with being forced out of the saddle through injury. Coleman speaks openly and honestly about coming to terms with being yesterday's man and how he is searching deep within himself to fill the void.

Contextualisation alone is not enough to weather this storm but it does give Aidan Coleman strength when his morale begins to dip–and God knows today is going to be one of those days.

Had this been a normal day, and had Coleman not been catapulted to the ground during a low grade hurdle race at Worcester 19 months ago in an incident that left him lucky to keep his right leg, things could have been a whole lot different. But it's not.

Instead, it is Nico de Boinville who will partner Jonbon in this afternoon's big race at Ascot, the Clarence House Chase. De Boinville has slotted into one of the most envied seats in National Hunt racing with the now retired Coleman, who guided JP McManus's crack two-mile chaser to nine wins all told, cast to the sidelines. 

In anticipation of the big match-up with Energumene, the trade newspaper leads with the word 'UNMISSABLE' in block capitals. Ain't that the truth. Coleman won't be tuning in to watch Jonbon land a ninth Grade 1. He has timed the long drive from Ireland back to England so that he doesn't have to endure the pain of being reminded precisely what he's missing. It's not as if he needs something else to keep him awake at night either. 

“You can't escape it,” the 36-year-old explains. “Waking up this morning, the first thing I saw was Jonbon and Energumene on the front page of the Racing Post. Today would have been something I'd have loved–I'd have been like a kid in a sweet shop going to ride Jonbon. Instead, I mucked out and rode out a few horses here for Kevin [his brother and trainer].”

He continued, “I genuinely wish everyone connected to Jonbon the best of luck, though. And don't get me wrong, there are some people I don't wish the best of luck to in this game. I actually hate that–when a fella gets jocked off a horse or something and he comes out saying best wishes and all of that. I'd be like, 'f**k 'em!' I won't be able to watch Jonbon today, and I don't really care if he wins or loses, but I don't want him not to win. Does that make sense? I watch racing every single day but I won't watch it today.”

In the grand scheme of things, getting robbed of some of the best days of your career is a pretty good deal compared to what some of Coleman's weighroom colleagues have been forced to endure in recent times. In the past year alone, Grand National-winning jockey Graham Lee was left with catastrophic life-changing injuries following an accident in the stalls at Newcastle while bright young talent Stefano Cherchi died at the age of just 23 following injuries sustained in a fall. 

“I'm 36 years old now and I'm going over to stay in somebody's room for a while. Talk about being lost. I do worry that I will feel like this forever, which wouldn't be ideal.”

“There are so many people who are worse off than me,” Coleman acknowledges. “I keep telling myself that. But that's them and this is me. I have been very good at compartmentalising things my whole career but sometimes it is quite difficult. I meet a lot of people when I am out and about and they ask me what I am doing with myself. My answer to them is that I don't know. It's very hard for people to help me when I don't know what I want to do myself. If I knew what I wanted to do I would go and do it. But I just don't have a clue. And that's hard.

“On the darker days, when I am going down that steep slope, I have to tell myself, 'wait a minute, stop. It could be so much worse.' It's on those days when you think about how some other people have been far less fortunate than me. I did what I dreamed of doing. I just wouldn't have minded having a little bit longer at it.”

He added, “I am not a great sleeper at the best of times but I am very worried about the fact that I moved back to Ireland six months ago but just couldn't settle here. My bags are packed and I am going back to the UK today—a place where I have spent half of my life—but I am worried that this move is not the answer, either. I hope it is. I really do, because I don't want to feel like this for the rest of my life. I don't want to be a vagrant. I really wanted to be happy here in Ireland and maybe it's nothing to do with what country I am in, maybe it's to do with where I am in my life.”

Do you feel lost?

“Yea, I suppose I am lost. Everyone keeps asking what I want to do with my life but I can't tell them. The second thing people say to me is, 'surely you must have some idea,' to which I tell them, 'no'. So yea, I definitely am lost. 

“Last year was a tough one because, not only did my career end, but I also lost my best friend Michael Byrne. I've lost a few friends in recent times, the likes of Liam Treadwell and even James Banks was a mate of mine as well. There's a lot of stuff going on in my head but I am on top of it. And I think it's important to talk about these things for obvious reasons. 

“But even from my time riding, I was well able to take the knocks and experienced just as many lows as I did highs. Like, I can tell you of how I missed Grand National and Gold Cup winners, so I've had lows. But that National winner [100-1 chance Mon Mome] I missed out on was ridden by Liam, so I take great solace in that.”

Coleman riding out at his brother Kevin's yard | Brian Sheerin

It was last April when Coleman officially announced his retirement to Nick Luck. There have been stints working on Racing TV and he has also helped out his brother Kevin, arguably one of the most impressive young trainers on the scene in Ireland. Neither role was enough to sustain him, however. 

“They say 'a sportsman dies twice' and I promise you that is true. Like, if I go to Cheltenham now, I don't know where to go or what to do with myself. How many hundred times have I been to Cheltenham in my career? If I want to go to the owners and trainers area now, I need to ask one of the lads for a favour and a lend of a badge or something. And I'm not complaining. It's just when you retire you're out. And that's fine, too. I mean, I only rode horses for a living and I didn't do anybody any favours so I am not looking for anything in return. But, when you retire, you are a different person when you walk back onto a racecourse. You're yesterday's man.”

He continued, “I love what Kevin is building here but it's a shame it is not enough to keep me. This is his canoe. But I feel like my move back to the UK has let a few people down and he's one of them. I hate that feeling, letting people down. I think Kevin had been factoring me being around this year. He wouldn't say he's disappointed but I know that he is. He knows that I have to do what I have to do, though. I can't just stay in Ireland even though I'm not happy.  

“I tried doing a bit of work with Racing TV as well but didn't like it. I can't see myself doing TV. I like the smaller stuff, like doing podcasts, because invariably you're talking about a topic or a race that's worth talking about. I like that stuff because it's interesting and it's snappy. A full day doing TV at the races, it's just not my cup of tea. I was just a fish out of water on Racing TV. I wouldn't mind helping owners out in some capacity. I have seen a lot of wealthy people come and go in this game. A lot of them left the game because they were being fleeced so, maybe if they had someone in their corner, things would have been different.”

The cruel reality of this situation is that we really shouldn't be sitting here on Kevin's sitting room sofa in Carrick-on-Suir dreaming up a career plan for a man who has over 1,200 winners under his belt and will forever be associated with horses like Paisley Park, Epatante and of course Jonbon.

For starters, Ascension Day–the horse who ended Coleman's career–was taking part in a pretty nondescript maiden hurdle at Worcester on that fateful evening. These were the types of rides that Coleman had more or less ruled himself out from travelling the length and breadth of the country for the previous season. 

A backlash from trainers forced him to buck up on his ideas. But secondly, and far more seriously, the plastic railing that Coleman smashed into when his mount ran out at the last was supported by a metal pole. When that collided with the right knee, it did so much damage that it has taken four surgeries to come some way right. 

Retired jockeys Jamie Moore, Paddy Brennan and Coleman at Sandown last year | Racingfotos.com

“It's funny, I cut back on riding those types of horses the year before my accident and I got persecuted for it. Trainers probably thought I wasn't as interested. I think I had 30-odd winners that season, which is terrible, but there were some big winners in there. I was told that I needed to get my head down and ride at some of those country tracks a bit more. There was nothing to ride but I felt pressured to do it. It kind of pisses me off still that it was an issue for people. It's just ironic that the injury that ended my career came in the exact race I set out to avoid riding in towards the end of my career. 

“Funnily enough, I have absolutely no qualms about the horse I did ride in the race, though. It was for a good friend of mine in Shaun Lycett and I had done all of the schooling on Ascension Day. Now, what he did was dirty, running out at the last, but he was going to win had he not done that. But there was just no excuse for the rail to be supported by a metal pole. It was poor track management. Plain and simple. Things like that shouldn't be happening in this day and age.”

He added, “A lot of people have been really helpful to me since my retirement. JETS [Jockeys Education and Training Scheme], for example, have been fantastic. Phil [Kinsella] and Lisa [Delany] are amazing people and I can pick up the phone to them any time. The only time I have felt let down was by the IJF [Injured Jockeys Fund]. I know that they do some wonderful work, and I am sure a lot of people have some good things to say about the IJF, but I also know of a lot of people who don't have many good things to say about the organisation. 

“They were worse than useless for me. I paid for every part of my own rehabilitation myself. Although they said the facility was there for me, they also rang me after I retired to apologise for not being able to help me. I was told to wait a week on an appointment I needed yesterday so I decided to go out and get my own physio [Emma Edwards] and personal trainer [Conor Shoemark]. Because when I had my last meeting with my surgeon, I said to him, 'cards on the table, Doc, when you opened me up 18 months ago, where did you think I'd be now?' He said, 'to be honest, it's a miracle–I thought you'd definitely be walking with a cane and that you'd have a disability for the rest of your life.' So full credit to Emma and Conor. It's all down to their hard work that I am at least able to sit on a horse again.”

There is a lot to unpack here and, in many ways, Coleman's rehabilitation is only just beginning. He makes no bones about the fact that he has dark days and has only recently come to terms with the fact that he is now in a position to talk to a professional about dealing with life after being a jockey. What does the future hold? Nobody can answer that question but himself.

“I have been trying not to talk to someone until now. But I will. Definitely. Because it's gone too long feeling like this. I need to sort something out. When I am out and about, I enjoy working in the yard and all of that, but it's not real life as such.

“I'll stay with one of the boys over in England–Sammy Twiston-Davies or someone–there's no shortage of guys over there. But I'm 36 years old now and I'm going over to stay in somebody's room for a while. Talk about being lost. I do worry that I will feel like this forever, which wouldn't be ideal.”

He concluded, “But I just thought that, if something is going to happen in my life, it won't be around here. I've lived around the Cotswolds before and I like the area. There is plenty of work in the build-up to Cheltenham over there with podcasts and things like that. And then I'm just hoping to figure things out in my own head. I'm not looking for any handouts and I don't want any favours. I'll work in McDonald's before I go looking for any handouts from anybody. I just need to figure things out for myself.”